5 Things Girls Hate (That We Pretend To Love)

18 Jan

Girls put up with a lot. We have to give birth, we have to learn to put on make-up and we have to wear bras. It’s all a complete bummer and, frankly, we’d rather not. But even worse than all these things is the stuff we feel like we should love, but just can’t. We try, oh how we try, to enjoy when you make “that’s what she said” jokes in front of our parents to make them laugh. We really try to like when you call us drunk to tell us that you “luuuuurrve” us, but I’m here to tell you boys- it ain’t happening. After extensive market research, this is the list of the top 5 offenders.

#5 Banter between men

Every girl loves to have guy friends. And unless you went to a nun school and are a bit weird, men don’t usually mind having a few girl pals around to give them advice about other, hotter girls.

What really confuses girls when hanging out with boys is their inexplicable way of communicating with one another.  As far as I can tell, it mostly revolves around insulting each other or each other’s mothers.  Here is excerpt from an actual man-to-man conversation:

Guy 1: What you doing later?

Guy 2: I thought I might rim your mum

Guy 1: Let me know how she tastes?

 Guy 2: … Probably like your dad!

And so on.

Now, it may just be me. But it seems to me that this conversation is both inappropriate and actually, if you read really carefully, a little bit incestuous and possibly homoerotic. The worst thing about it is that it was held in broad daylight in front of their girl friends, and the girls there all laughed. For reasons unknown to me, it is socially acceptable for guys to hold these sorts of conversations with each other in front of others. Maybe it’s because all men have a deep subconscious longing to kill their fathers and have sex with their mothers… But it’s probably because guys are, in general, just horrible creatures.  And girls pretend to love it.

#4 Sport

It’s a well-known fact- men love girls who love sport.  Another well-known fact is that girls will do pretty much anything to make guys they like think they have interests in common, and for a lot of girls this means they will be forced to sit through hours of sport commentary and games with fixed smiles on their faces.

This girl's getting lucky tonight

The annoying thing about this is that it hardly ever works the other way around. I love musicals, but I’m not going to subject any man to a six-hour Rodgers and Hammerstein marathon. I just wouldn’t do it. And if I did, I would understand completely if he ripped out his eyes and stuffed them into his ears- because we can’t all like the same things. The unique selling point of sport is that it has somehow become something really attractive for girls to be into, because it means that guys have to spend less and less time actively doing lovely things for their girlfriends, and can just do the stuff they would do anyway whilst pleasing them at the same time. The only upside is that we look pretty good in your oversized jerseys.

#3 When men “help” you

Let’s not beat around the bush. 99% of the time, girls want to appear perfect for men. This is why the make-up and push-up bra industries have been so successful. It is also why “helping” a girl by pointing out that there is something wrong with their appearance will get you zero brownie points. Just to clarify here, I’m not talking about big, permanent things that no right-minded male would say anyway. Telling your girlfriend her bum looks big will earn you a slap round the face, and possibly a quick jab to the ribs.

The “help” I’m talking about are the smaller, more embarrassing things that men always like to point out to girls. Very often we then have to smile and sometimes even thank them for their assistance in our food-in-teeth, spill-down-blouse or gunk-in-eye crises.

You didn't... notice... a thing

Men are under the impression that it is actually quite cute to squint into a girl’s face, point vaguely at her mouth and mumble, “you got some shit juuust there”. If there has ever been a reaction to this that has not been- cover mouth with hands, turn a deep shade of scarlet and rummage in bag for mirror- then I want to know about it. Girls are sensitive creatures, and would probably prefer the shame of looking in the mirror after the date and realizing their hideous error, than actually having it pointed out during the date itself. Unfortunately, social convention requires that, if such a situation arises, the girl must thank the man, and then both parties must try to make a joke- usually something about saving that bit for later.

#2 When your relationship gets comfortable

 Imagine the scene- your boyfriend has promised you a great night in. You’ve shaved your legs, conditioned your hair, lit some candles and put on your non-holey knickers, ready for an evening of romance.  The doorbell rings, and you race to open it when… the grimy scent of take-away pizza and unwashed body wafts into the room. Dressed in sweats and with a beer already open in one hand, the man of your dreams throws himself onto the sofa, declares himself “starved” and starts to munch on the pizza, while you shiver at the door, in the bitter realisation that your relationship has become comfortable.

This is what we imagine our futures to be in 40 years

Now, the problem here isn’t the flagrant disregard to social etiquette regarding flatulence and picking your nose in front of us in itself (although that is pretty gross too). The problem is that when men feel this comfortable in front of girls, it is supposed to be a good thing. It is supposed to mean that you have reached the point in your relationship when you can be totally honest and be completely yourself around the other person. Unfortunately, girls get to know men in the first couple of months of their relationships, when the guys are still frantically holding in farts and keeping their opinion about their partner’s high-pitched laugh to themselves. And guess what? They were the men the girls liked. Pretending anything else is just wrong.

#1 Meeting our parents

 It’s probably the most terrifying landmark in any relationship. For me, watching “Meet The Parents” and all its Ben Stiller-y averageness, was less a comedy, and more a shocking exposé of a phenomenon just that bit too close to the truth. It is any girl’s worst nightmare that their boyfriend will do something embarrassing, but not altogether out of character, that will forever tarnish their parents’ opinions of him when they first meet. Examples could include: making inappropriate jokes; being inappropriately touchy-feely in front of them, and getting in inexplicable huffs. To compensate, they will giggle hysterically at any jokes their boyfriend makes (to make him seem funnier), shovel down their food (to make him seem better-mannered) and ask him leading questions (to make him seem more successful and/or driven).

Your handshake is pretty firm there sir.. Sir.... Sir??

In every film I’ve ever watched where this scenario comes up, it is always the man who is more worried about meeting his girlfriend’s parents. Why? Sure, it will be a bit awkward every time you meet them in the future, but I think it is just as nerve-wracking for the girl. If a girl pretends to be enthusiastic about a man meeting her parents, she’s lying. I can’t really work out why they lie, but that’s the truth.

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