5 Kids’ TV Shows Which Taught Us Questionable Lessons

21 Jan

The 90s was a great decade to grow up in. Soul patches, corn rows, Vanilla Ice… seriously, it was just the best. Recently I’ve been reminiscing about the incredible TV shows we all used to watch, but I’ve noticed something weird. Some of the TV shows we used to watch were seriously questionable. You probably don’t know what I mean right now- but  you will.

#5 Snorks

Wow- I loved this show. It really had everything: a catchy theme song, a colourful array of perky characters, and a penchant for using the word “yikes” in the script. On top of this, every episode would teach the viewer a valuable lesson, mostly about friendship or sharing. It was bloody beautiful.

Notice anything.. unusual?

Take a look at that picture. Cute, right. Obviously, that thing on his head is his snorkel; his breathing apparatus and the reason for his species’ name. Makes perfect sense. Except for when you find out that when the Snork gets excited, that thing sticks straight up, bubbles come out of it and  it makes a “snork” sound (which is terrifying in itself, let me assure you).

When I was a child, none of this seemed weird to me. It was only when I wanted to re-live my childhood memories and re-watched a few, painfully euphemistic episodes that I became repulsed and horrified by what I was seeing.

What I’m trying to tell you is that they all have penises on their heads, even the girls. It’s just too weird.

#4 Scooby Doo

Scooby Doo is the only dog I’ve ever actually liked. Real life dogs are too hairy and jumpy, and Lassie was a bit too much of a goody-goody. Scooby Doo was amazing because he (and his friends of course) got completely freaked out in every single episode, thinking that there was a ghost in the abandoned warehouse/funfair/mansion. Of course, there never was, those silly kids.

Not a ghost- again??

That’s right, it’s another creepy man wearing a mask.

Take a good hard look at that man. I wouldn’t let my children anywhere near that guy. What in the name of all that is holy is he doing dressing up as a zombie clown and chasing around teenagers? If that isn’t weird, I just don’t understand life anymore.

What does this teach children? That ghosts don’t exist, but scary ass men in costumes do? I just think this does nothing for the image of poor, innocent men who like to have coiffed hair and wear those weird transitional square-framed glasses.

#3 Ren and Stimpy

An adorable show about the adventures of a loveable cat and a sweet chihuahua- having adventures and playing games, teaching the future generation about the wonders of imagination and, above all, friendship.

So child- friendly!

Just kidding! It was a ridiculously violent series that Nickelodeon eventually kicked off the air due to the number of complaints it got. Watching Ren and Stimpy  is basically the cartoon equivalent of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I’m really not explaining this well. I’m going to have to show you more pictures.

Errr wut

But hold on. Violence is in loads of cartoons! Look at Tom and Jerry- those two really went to town on one another. But if that wasn’t enough, the creators of Ren and Stimpy went that one step further…

It's acceptable because it's not showing kids how to smoke correctly...

I’m all for freedom of expression. But this seems to be taking it a bit far.

#2 Nearly every Disney film ever made

I realise that these aren’t TV shows, but they were still an integral part of our childhoods. What little girl growing up didn’t want to be a Disney Princess? And what boy didn’t secretly wish he could be Peter Pan? Walt Disney had the incredible knack of turning Grimm’s fairytales into beautiful, musical cartoons; uplifting in every sense.

Me and my friends (in my head at age 6)

The problem with Grimm’s fairytales was that they were written over a hundred years ago, when women were expected to cook, clean, and wait around for their princes so that their real lives waiting on their husbands could begin.

Please don’t think I’m a feminist or anything. It’s just the way that all of the Disney princesses had unbearably unhappy lives until a man came along and made everything better. Snow White was the slave of seven men, for God’s sake. Ariel sold her voice so that she could be with Eric: she’d rather be with Eric (in a completely alien environment from the one she grew up in, by the way) than have the ability to voice her own opinions. I’m not going to stop my kids watching these films or anything… I’m just saying.

#1 Smurfs

I loved the Smurfs more than words can say.

The Smurfs was a community of tiny, blue people. They all had adorable white pants and hats, and they all loved to sing about what a happy time they all had together. Papa Smurf was the leader, and Smurfette was the only girl in the group.

A-fricking-dorable

Wait- what was that? The only girl?

But it might not be what we think. Smurfs are magical creatures right. Maybe they live forever- maybe they never need to procreate?

Happy families- the little slut

Nope, that’s definitely a baby. Granted, they only come along “Once in a Blue Moon”, but it must be tiring for Smurfette to be such a filthy whore the whole time. She probably needs a break every so often. So girls- no need for any girlfriends. Just hang around a huge group of men and give them all their offspring. Nice one, NBC.

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