4 Types Of People I Hate In Airports

23 Jan

Whoever tells you that going on holiday is relaxing is seriously pulling your leg. Airports are the most stressful places on earth; even thinking about them brings me out in a rash. I love holidays, obviously, but the whole transport bit is undeniably awful.

The horror!!!!

Now, I pretty much hate everyone in the airport. It’s early, I’ve got an attractive print mark of the pillow on my cheek and nothing anyone says is going to cheer me up that much. But there are certain types of people (who are always there, by the way) who set my teeth on edge in the most terrible way possible. If you are any of these people, I hate you. No really, I actually hate you.

#4 The Glamorous Woman

Why does she exist? The only reason I can think of is to make me feel as bad as possible. There I am, in my comfy cardigan and my baggy leggings (so I can take them off when I get to the hot bit) when bam: in she strolls, in a cream tailored suit and sky high heels, usually with some kind of floppy hat for good measure. Her make up is perfect, where mine is non-existent, and her hair is coiffed, where mine is dishevelled.

There she is- the bitch

It gets even worse if this woman is actually on your flight. For one, those heels are just not practical. Even the freaking safety video tells you that you should take off your heels in case you have to slide down the inflatable raft. It would be a lot more sensible, and better for my ego, to leave them in your luggage, and wear some nice grandma shoes. But the worst thing about having this type of woman on your flight is that, even when you’re sweating your face off in the airport on the opposite end, she looks incredible. Not even one little crease in her skirt.

#3 Crazy over-prepared family

These gems are always right in front of you in the check-in queue. You can always tell if you’re near a family like this, because the kids are already wearing sun cream and you can smell them a mile off. Obligatory costume include: sensible sandals, towels round the shoulders and those hats with the bits of cork hanging down.

No-one can pull these off.. no-one.

The reason I hate these people in the airport so much is not the way they look; despite the previous entry I’m not really a superficial bitch. The reason I hate them so much is that they are always faffing. All I want to do in an airport is get in, get out and get on board, but all they want to do is savour the moment as long as possible. While I’m tutting in a very British way behind them, they’re Google-mapping their hotel to see how long it would take to hike to the nearest mountain range. While I’m close to ramming them out of the way with my luggage trolley, they’re wondering aloud whether they packed enough cagoules and sweatshirts. My nerves just can’t handle it.

#2 The Uni-Lads

Sorry boys, but I hate groups of guys going on holiday way more than I hate girls. Girls are annoying, sure; they’re shrill and excitable and I’ll admit that I have probably been guilty of that myself at some point. But boys just take the piss.

Except these guys. They're cool.

The main gripe I have with these groups are their T-shirts. You know the ones; they all match, they all say the date and location (in case any of them get lost) and they all have a ‘hilarious’ nickname and some sort of strap-line, usually something about the holiday being sponsored by Durex. I once saw a group of lads coming back from holiday in an airport in Crete, and one of them was just in pants. Just pants; chilling in pants. Except on closer view, they weren’t pants at all. It was his “Lads On Tour” t-shirt that he had fashioned into a nappy-type thing. Why? Why do boys feel they have to do this kind of thing when they go on holiday as a group? As if the t-shirts aren’t bad enough, there’s usually a chant that goes with it, and by the time they actually get on the plane they are inevitably wankered, so it’s not so much of a chant as it is a wail of shame. There’s also always one smaller, shyer, uglier guy with the nickname ‘Virgin’ on his T-shirt. I think that’s just sad.

#1 The ‘Jokers’

These guys are dicks. Imagine the scene- you’ve almost reached the end of the check-in queue. The family in front of you gets asked the standard question: “did you pack these bags yourself?”. Any normal human would just say yes and move on with their lives. But the joker just has to make a little joke. It’s in his nature. “Oh, a nice man just asked me to stow his electrical device in our bag. Didn’t think it would do any harm”. What? Why are you doing this to me?

A similar thing could happen in the security queue. The joker gets asked to take his shoes and belt off. The joker replies, “Well! I have nothing to hide! Ho ho ho, isn’t this fun!”

"Ohhhh cheeky." NO.

I do not go to an airport for kicks. I am not interested in any jokes, especially ones which could potentially hold me up. Even if the check-in girl doesn’t take the ridiculous remark seriously, it will still be awkward as hell, which I will then have to try and break with my grouchy demeanour and sarcastic comments. All I want is for everyone to be as moody as me. Why is that so hard?

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