4 Things Which Guarantee A Dumping On A Date

30 Jan

I didn’t really want to write this article. It’s so overdone, and I’m worried that anything I advise will either be blindingly obvious, or so obscure that it’s only happened to me and one other girl living in Kiribati. But I did promise you honest dating advice, so it’s only fair that I give you some. Here are some ideas of the kinds of thing you should be avoiding during dates.

#4 Admitting you’ve been single for longer than a few months

Even if this means you mutter vaguely and change the subject quickly- when faced with the direct question, never let your potential boyfriend know just how long you have been a lonely old spinster. Chances are, he will probably realise through certain observations: the ravenous, desperate look in your eyes, the way you can’t hold a normal conversation with him, the drool that’s starting to form on your lip…

You belong to me now...

Sometimes, girls genuinely choose to be single for a prolonged period of time. Unfortunately, “I like being single” has become synonymous with “no-one loves me” in the dating world; the words of a loner desperate to justify their aloneness. If you go for the truth here and admit that you’ve been single for 18 months, your date will automatically assume there is something seriously wrong with you: either you’re a serial killer or have a weird fetish which systematically drives men away.

#3 Being aggressive about women’s rights

More specifically, I’m talking about getting arsey when your date tries to pull out your chair, buys you a drink or tries to give you his jacket.

Us gals can even change tyres these days... we just prefer not to.

The thing is, there’s a fine line between coming across as an independent woman who can take care of herself, and an ungrateful bitch who has been dragged up by a pack of wolves. For instance, insisting on contributing to the bill, or at least offering, is acceptable, and probably a welcome turn of events for your date. Roughly forbidding him from helping you put on your coat, and then giving him a five minute lecture on why this is the kind of thing that’s inhibiting gender equality is verging on crazy. If he has asked you out, he wants to come off as a gentleman. It’s the easiest thing he can do, and the quickest way to get in your good books. Even if it makes your skin crawl, let him do it- at least for the first few dates. After that, you can be as weird as you want, and good luck to you.

#2 Lying about your hobbies

I find it a really cringe-worthy question, but chances are it will come up on a first or maybe second date. Everything is fine if you do something really cool or unusual, like wake-boarding or film-making. The problems arise when your average day consists of Facebook and watching Disney films online. In this situation, it will be very tempting for you to make something up. Maybe just a white lie, like that you’re a musician? After all, you pretty much owned  ‘London’s Burning’ on the recorder back in Year 2.

Kurt Cobain got nothing on you

As tempting as this might be, it’s a terrible idea. Really, truly, terrible.

First of all, what if he has the same hobby? Then you will spend an awkward fifteen minutes trying not to catch yourself out while he gushes about whatever it is you’ve lied about. But OK, say you get through that first bit- if the relationship progresses, chances are he will notice if you never go to any comic book conventions or never have a hockey game. You’ll either be forced to tell the truth, or actually take up that hobby. And that is likely to massively cut into your Facebook stalking time.

#1 Being overly funny

The last thing you want on a date is an awkward silence; they can literally make or break the prospect of a second date. Sarcasm or humour is the easiest way to avoid an awkward silence because it’s easy- it breaks the ice and it makes you look interesting and funny. Right?

He'll be yours by dessert

Wrong! According to a recent survey, men don’t fancy funny women. This seems unfair, as a sense of humour is very often high on the list of attributes we find most attractive in men. But maybe that’s the reason why- men want funny to be their thing. They don’t want to be upstaged by a woman; that would be unacceptably emasculating. It’s OK to be witty and interesting, just don’t say or do anything too funny which could potentially make your date seem less funny. Got that?


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One Response to “4 Things Which Guarantee A Dumping On A Date”

  1. Will Sentance (@willsentance) January 30, 2012 at 2:10 am #

    Very good – particularly liked #2 Lying about your hobbies

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