5 Things We All Lie About

18 Apr

There is a huge difference between a big lie and a small lie. Big lies can really hurt people- big lies are the reason our parents always tell us that we must never lie. I don’t necessarily agree with that. I think there are certain circumstances in life which genuinely turn out better if we lie about them. Sometimes it’s for the benefit of others; the hideously overused cliché that a boyfriend will lie if a girl’s bum genuinely does look big springs to mind. Other times the lies are completely selfish, concocted in order for us to save face, and nothing else.

#5 That we don’t care about celebrities

I’m not saying we’re all secret Glamour readers. I’m not even saying we all have a secret stash of celebrities we stalk on Twitter, although I definitely do (not). All I’m saying is that a lot of people think it’s absolutely out of the question to care about what celebrities are doing/who they’re nailing/who they’re getting in street brawls with. And to a certain extent, it is.

OMG! Scarlett looks totally awful as a brunette!

The problem is, we’re all programmed to give a shit about celebrities. Think of the world we live in today. We are constantly bombarded with TV shows that follow around inane morons doing things we all do anyway. Of course, this makes us hate them more. But underneath it all, no matter how much we hate them, we kind of care.

#4 That we don’t watch shitty films

I find it very difficult to tell the truth when a date asks me what my favourite film is. I love Pulp Fiction and The Green Mile, and could talk about them for hours. These also seem to be acceptable films to enjoy, so that’s what I tend to go with. The truth is though, deep deep down in the depths of my girly-ness, I will never get over the way I felt when I first watched Never Been Kissed.

Drew Barrymore + the 90s = Hell yeah

See, even now, I can sense myself being judged through the blogosphere. It’s crazy. No-one ONLY likes widely well-received movies and if you think you do, you’re wrong. It’s such a universal thing that I don’t know why we all bother to lie about it, but lie about it we most certainly do. We will do anything to stop anyone finding out that, when we’re feeling down, we all like to pop on a bit of Serendipity and cry into a bottle of wine. I say, no more! Embrace your terrible taste in films and let the haters hate.

#3 That we don’t have weird or disgusting habits

When was the last time you heard some gossip about someone, and said out loud “OMG LOLOL that is gross!!” whilst secretly thinking, “Oh shit, is that weird?” In public, we are all perfectly normal, well-adjusted people with no bad habits or strange obsessions. In private, it’s a whole other ball game.

Come on- we've all been there

In this case, I tend to agree that keeping these things to yourself is probably the best idea. I must admit, I’ve seen my boyfriend in a slightly different light since he confessed to me that he bites his toenails, but he would probably feel the same if I admitted to him that I love picking scabs.. It’s just not a conversation that needs to be had until absolutely necessary; i.e. when you get caught doing it.

That said, it’s a pretty sad world when we have to pretend to be horrified to hear that the new girl doesn’t wash her hands after she goes to the toilet, when we all know that, when no-one is around, sometimes we just can’t be bothered.

#2 That we find other people’s kids cute

This is the first selfless item on my list; I know, I’m an awful person. It is an awkward situation though, because obviously new parents are incredibly proud of their sprog and want you to rave about every single hair on their head. To be fair, if I ever push a not-so-tiny human out of my body, it better be cute, or at least everyone better TELL me it’s cute. It seems only fair.

ARGHHHHH-dorable?!

Even if it is the ugliest child in the world, you have to find something good to say about them. So, for everyone’s benefit, I have compiled a list of possible compliments without out-and-out lying.

1. His little scrunched up face reminds me of a baby bulldog- so cute!

2. It’s so clever how her body will grow into her head, the wonders of science eh…

3. It’s just amazing how he has the right amount of fingers and toes. Nothing else matters.

If you keep along these lines, you will reduce the risk of offending the parents. You can also avoid having your nostrils flare/ face go bright red/ voice go squeaky because you’ve lied out of your arse.

#1 That we are super fit and healthy

It may be difficult to fool yourself that you are as fit as you should be. We are far too aware that we have trouble running for the bus for more than 4 seconds. But other people never need know, do they? As long as you never take the stairs in front of anyone, how will they ever find out it nearly kills you every time? We all like to portray the idea that we take fantastic care of our bodies, whilst also enjoying as much cake and chocolate as physically possible. Spanx and other sucking-in contraptions have become our best friends.

All I ate earlier was a Ryvita and a lettuce leaf, honestly!

This isn’t really for anyone else’s benefit; I think it’s more of a pride thing. We all have that one friend who genuinely never touches dessert, runs three miles a day and does 100 crunches before bed. Secretly, of course, we all hate her tight and toned guts, but in public we feel that we have to project a similar image to prevent us from looking like fat slobs. Maybe if we lie hard enough, one day we will wake up and not like the taste of profiteroles anymore.

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