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5 Things We All Lie About

18 Apr

There is a huge difference between a big lie and a small lie. Big lies can really hurt people- big lies are the reason our parents always tell us that we must never lie. I don’t necessarily agree with that. I think there are certain circumstances in life which genuinely turn out better if we lie about them. Sometimes it’s for the benefit of others; the hideously overused cliché that a boyfriend will lie if a girl’s bum genuinely does look big springs to mind. Other times the lies are completely selfish, concocted in order for us to save face, and nothing else.

#5 That we don’t care about celebrities

I’m not saying we’re all secret Glamour readers. I’m not even saying we all have a secret stash of celebrities we stalk on Twitter, although I definitely do (not). All I’m saying is that a lot of people think it’s absolutely out of the question to care about what celebrities are doing/who they’re nailing/who they’re getting in street brawls with. And to a certain extent, it is.

OMG! Scarlett looks totally awful as a brunette!

The problem is, we’re all programmed to give a shit about celebrities. Think of the world we live in today. We are constantly bombarded with TV shows that follow around inane morons doing things we all do anyway. Of course, this makes us hate them more. But underneath it all, no matter how much we hate them, we kind of care.

#4 That we don’t watch shitty films

I find it very difficult to tell the truth when a date asks me what my favourite film is. I love Pulp Fiction and The Green Mile, and could talk about them for hours. These also seem to be acceptable films to enjoy, so that’s what I tend to go with. The truth is though, deep deep down in the depths of my girly-ness, I will never get over the way I felt when I first watched Never Been Kissed.

Drew Barrymore + the 90s = Hell yeah

See, even now, I can sense myself being judged through the blogosphere. It’s crazy. No-one ONLY likes widely well-received movies and if you think you do, you’re wrong. It’s such a universal thing that I don’t know why we all bother to lie about it, but lie about it we most certainly do. We will do anything to stop anyone finding out that, when we’re feeling down, we all like to pop on a bit of Serendipity and cry into a bottle of wine. I say, no more! Embrace your terrible taste in films and let the haters hate.

#3 That we don’t have weird or disgusting habits

When was the last time you heard some gossip about someone, and said out loud “OMG LOLOL that is gross!!” whilst secretly thinking, “Oh shit, is that weird?” In public, we are all perfectly normal, well-adjusted people with no bad habits or strange obsessions. In private, it’s a whole other ball game.

Come on- we've all been there

In this case, I tend to agree that keeping these things to yourself is probably the best idea. I must admit, I’ve seen my boyfriend in a slightly different light since he confessed to me that he bites his toenails, but he would probably feel the same if I admitted to him that I love picking scabs.. It’s just not a conversation that needs to be had until absolutely necessary; i.e. when you get caught doing it.

That said, it’s a pretty sad world when we have to pretend to be horrified to hear that the new girl doesn’t wash her hands after she goes to the toilet, when we all know that, when no-one is around, sometimes we just can’t be bothered.

#2 That we find other people’s kids cute

This is the first selfless item on my list; I know, I’m an awful person. It is an awkward situation though, because obviously new parents are incredibly proud of their sprog and want you to rave about every single hair on their head. To be fair, if I ever push a not-so-tiny human out of my body, it better be cute, or at least everyone better TELL me it’s cute. It seems only fair.

ARGHHHHH-dorable?!

Even if it is the ugliest child in the world, you have to find something good to say about them. So, for everyone’s benefit, I have compiled a list of possible compliments without out-and-out lying.

1. His little scrunched up face reminds me of a baby bulldog- so cute!

2. It’s so clever how her body will grow into her head, the wonders of science eh…

3. It’s just amazing how he has the right amount of fingers and toes. Nothing else matters.

If you keep along these lines, you will reduce the risk of offending the parents. You can also avoid having your nostrils flare/ face go bright red/ voice go squeaky because you’ve lied out of your arse.

#1 That we are super fit and healthy

It may be difficult to fool yourself that you are as fit as you should be. We are far too aware that we have trouble running for the bus for more than 4 seconds. But other people never need know, do they? As long as you never take the stairs in front of anyone, how will they ever find out it nearly kills you every time? We all like to portray the idea that we take fantastic care of our bodies, whilst also enjoying as much cake and chocolate as physically possible. Spanx and other sucking-in contraptions have become our best friends.

All I ate earlier was a Ryvita and a lettuce leaf, honestly!

This isn’t really for anyone else’s benefit; I think it’s more of a pride thing. We all have that one friend who genuinely never touches dessert, runs three miles a day and does 100 crunches before bed. Secretly, of course, we all hate her tight and toned guts, but in public we feel that we have to project a similar image to prevent us from looking like fat slobs. Maybe if we lie hard enough, one day we will wake up and not like the taste of profiteroles anymore.

4 Things Which Guarantee A Dumping On A Date

30 Jan

I didn’t really want to write this article. It’s so overdone, and I’m worried that anything I advise will either be blindingly obvious, or so obscure that it’s only happened to me and one other girl living in Kiribati. But I did promise you honest dating advice, so it’s only fair that I give you some. Here are some ideas of the kinds of thing you should be avoiding during dates.

#4 Admitting you’ve been single for longer than a few months

Even if this means you mutter vaguely and change the subject quickly- when faced with the direct question, never let your potential boyfriend know just how long you have been a lonely old spinster. Chances are, he will probably realise through certain observations: the ravenous, desperate look in your eyes, the way you can’t hold a normal conversation with him, the drool that’s starting to form on your lip…

You belong to me now...

Sometimes, girls genuinely choose to be single for a prolonged period of time. Unfortunately, “I like being single” has become synonymous with “no-one loves me” in the dating world; the words of a loner desperate to justify their aloneness. If you go for the truth here and admit that you’ve been single for 18 months, your date will automatically assume there is something seriously wrong with you: either you’re a serial killer or have a weird fetish which systematically drives men away.

#3 Being aggressive about women’s rights

More specifically, I’m talking about getting arsey when your date tries to pull out your chair, buys you a drink or tries to give you his jacket.

Us gals can even change tyres these days... we just prefer not to.

The thing is, there’s a fine line between coming across as an independent woman who can take care of herself, and an ungrateful bitch who has been dragged up by a pack of wolves. For instance, insisting on contributing to the bill, or at least offering, is acceptable, and probably a welcome turn of events for your date. Roughly forbidding him from helping you put on your coat, and then giving him a five minute lecture on why this is the kind of thing that’s inhibiting gender equality is verging on crazy. If he has asked you out, he wants to come off as a gentleman. It’s the easiest thing he can do, and the quickest way to get in your good books. Even if it makes your skin crawl, let him do it- at least for the first few dates. After that, you can be as weird as you want, and good luck to you.

#2 Lying about your hobbies

I find it a really cringe-worthy question, but chances are it will come up on a first or maybe second date. Everything is fine if you do something really cool or unusual, like wake-boarding or film-making. The problems arise when your average day consists of Facebook and watching Disney films online. In this situation, it will be very tempting for you to make something up. Maybe just a white lie, like that you’re a musician? After all, you pretty much owned  ‘London’s Burning’ on the recorder back in Year 2.

Kurt Cobain got nothing on you

As tempting as this might be, it’s a terrible idea. Really, truly, terrible.

First of all, what if he has the same hobby? Then you will spend an awkward fifteen minutes trying not to catch yourself out while he gushes about whatever it is you’ve lied about. But OK, say you get through that first bit- if the relationship progresses, chances are he will notice if you never go to any comic book conventions or never have a hockey game. You’ll either be forced to tell the truth, or actually take up that hobby. And that is likely to massively cut into your Facebook stalking time.

#1 Being overly funny

The last thing you want on a date is an awkward silence; they can literally make or break the prospect of a second date. Sarcasm or humour is the easiest way to avoid an awkward silence because it’s easy- it breaks the ice and it makes you look interesting and funny. Right?

He'll be yours by dessert

Wrong! According to a recent survey, men don’t fancy funny women. This seems unfair, as a sense of humour is very often high on the list of attributes we find most attractive in men. But maybe that’s the reason why- men want funny to be their thing. They don’t want to be upstaged by a woman; that would be unacceptably emasculating. It’s OK to be witty and interesting, just don’t say or do anything too funny which could potentially make your date seem less funny. Got that?


4 Types Of People I Hate In Airports

23 Jan

Whoever tells you that going on holiday is relaxing is seriously pulling your leg. Airports are the most stressful places on earth; even thinking about them brings me out in a rash. I love holidays, obviously, but the whole transport bit is undeniably awful.

The horror!!!!

Now, I pretty much hate everyone in the airport. It’s early, I’ve got an attractive print mark of the pillow on my cheek and nothing anyone says is going to cheer me up that much. But there are certain types of people (who are always there, by the way) who set my teeth on edge in the most terrible way possible. If you are any of these people, I hate you. No really, I actually hate you.

#4 The Glamorous Woman

Why does she exist? The only reason I can think of is to make me feel as bad as possible. There I am, in my comfy cardigan and my baggy leggings (so I can take them off when I get to the hot bit) when bam: in she strolls, in a cream tailored suit and sky high heels, usually with some kind of floppy hat for good measure. Her make up is perfect, where mine is non-existent, and her hair is coiffed, where mine is dishevelled.

There she is- the bitch

It gets even worse if this woman is actually on your flight. For one, those heels are just not practical. Even the freaking safety video tells you that you should take off your heels in case you have to slide down the inflatable raft. It would be a lot more sensible, and better for my ego, to leave them in your luggage, and wear some nice grandma shoes. But the worst thing about having this type of woman on your flight is that, even when you’re sweating your face off in the airport on the opposite end, she looks incredible. Not even one little crease in her skirt.

#3 Crazy over-prepared family

These gems are always right in front of you in the check-in queue. You can always tell if you’re near a family like this, because the kids are already wearing sun cream and you can smell them a mile off. Obligatory costume include: sensible sandals, towels round the shoulders and those hats with the bits of cork hanging down.

No-one can pull these off.. no-one.

The reason I hate these people in the airport so much is not the way they look; despite the previous entry I’m not really a superficial bitch. The reason I hate them so much is that they are always faffing. All I want to do in an airport is get in, get out and get on board, but all they want to do is savour the moment as long as possible. While I’m tutting in a very British way behind them, they’re Google-mapping their hotel to see how long it would take to hike to the nearest mountain range. While I’m close to ramming them out of the way with my luggage trolley, they’re wondering aloud whether they packed enough cagoules and sweatshirts. My nerves just can’t handle it.

#2 The Uni-Lads

Sorry boys, but I hate groups of guys going on holiday way more than I hate girls. Girls are annoying, sure; they’re shrill and excitable and I’ll admit that I have probably been guilty of that myself at some point. But boys just take the piss.

Except these guys. They're cool.

The main gripe I have with these groups are their T-shirts. You know the ones; they all match, they all say the date and location (in case any of them get lost) and they all have a ‘hilarious’ nickname and some sort of strap-line, usually something about the holiday being sponsored by Durex. I once saw a group of lads coming back from holiday in an airport in Crete, and one of them was just in pants. Just pants; chilling in pants. Except on closer view, they weren’t pants at all. It was his “Lads On Tour” t-shirt that he had fashioned into a nappy-type thing. Why? Why do boys feel they have to do this kind of thing when they go on holiday as a group? As if the t-shirts aren’t bad enough, there’s usually a chant that goes with it, and by the time they actually get on the plane they are inevitably wankered, so it’s not so much of a chant as it is a wail of shame. There’s also always one smaller, shyer, uglier guy with the nickname ‘Virgin’ on his T-shirt. I think that’s just sad.

#1 The ‘Jokers’

These guys are dicks. Imagine the scene- you’ve almost reached the end of the check-in queue. The family in front of you gets asked the standard question: “did you pack these bags yourself?”. Any normal human would just say yes and move on with their lives. But the joker just has to make a little joke. It’s in his nature. “Oh, a nice man just asked me to stow his electrical device in our bag. Didn’t think it would do any harm”. What? Why are you doing this to me?

A similar thing could happen in the security queue. The joker gets asked to take his shoes and belt off. The joker replies, “Well! I have nothing to hide! Ho ho ho, isn’t this fun!”

"Ohhhh cheeky." NO.

I do not go to an airport for kicks. I am not interested in any jokes, especially ones which could potentially hold me up. Even if the check-in girl doesn’t take the ridiculous remark seriously, it will still be awkward as hell, which I will then have to try and break with my grouchy demeanour and sarcastic comments. All I want is for everyone to be as moody as me. Why is that so hard?

5 Kids’ TV Shows Which Taught Us Questionable Lessons

21 Jan

The 90s was a great decade to grow up in. Soul patches, corn rows, Vanilla Ice… seriously, it was just the best. Recently I’ve been reminiscing about the incredible TV shows we all used to watch, but I’ve noticed something weird. Some of the TV shows we used to watch were seriously questionable. You probably don’t know what I mean right now- but  you will.

#5 Snorks

Wow- I loved this show. It really had everything: a catchy theme song, a colourful array of perky characters, and a penchant for using the word “yikes” in the script. On top of this, every episode would teach the viewer a valuable lesson, mostly about friendship or sharing. It was bloody beautiful.

Notice anything.. unusual?

Take a look at that picture. Cute, right. Obviously, that thing on his head is his snorkel; his breathing apparatus and the reason for his species’ name. Makes perfect sense. Except for when you find out that when the Snork gets excited, that thing sticks straight up, bubbles come out of it and  it makes a “snork” sound (which is terrifying in itself, let me assure you).

When I was a child, none of this seemed weird to me. It was only when I wanted to re-live my childhood memories and re-watched a few, painfully euphemistic episodes that I became repulsed and horrified by what I was seeing.

What I’m trying to tell you is that they all have penises on their heads, even the girls. It’s just too weird.

#4 Scooby Doo

Scooby Doo is the only dog I’ve ever actually liked. Real life dogs are too hairy and jumpy, and Lassie was a bit too much of a goody-goody. Scooby Doo was amazing because he (and his friends of course) got completely freaked out in every single episode, thinking that there was a ghost in the abandoned warehouse/funfair/mansion. Of course, there never was, those silly kids.

Not a ghost- again??

That’s right, it’s another creepy man wearing a mask.

Take a good hard look at that man. I wouldn’t let my children anywhere near that guy. What in the name of all that is holy is he doing dressing up as a zombie clown and chasing around teenagers? If that isn’t weird, I just don’t understand life anymore.

What does this teach children? That ghosts don’t exist, but scary ass men in costumes do? I just think this does nothing for the image of poor, innocent men who like to have coiffed hair and wear those weird transitional square-framed glasses.

#3 Ren and Stimpy

An adorable show about the adventures of a loveable cat and a sweet chihuahua- having adventures and playing games, teaching the future generation about the wonders of imagination and, above all, friendship.

So child- friendly!

Just kidding! It was a ridiculously violent series that Nickelodeon eventually kicked off the air due to the number of complaints it got. Watching Ren and Stimpy  is basically the cartoon equivalent of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

I’m really not explaining this well. I’m going to have to show you more pictures.

Errr wut

But hold on. Violence is in loads of cartoons! Look at Tom and Jerry- those two really went to town on one another. But if that wasn’t enough, the creators of Ren and Stimpy went that one step further…

It's acceptable because it's not showing kids how to smoke correctly...

I’m all for freedom of expression. But this seems to be taking it a bit far.

#2 Nearly every Disney film ever made

I realise that these aren’t TV shows, but they were still an integral part of our childhoods. What little girl growing up didn’t want to be a Disney Princess? And what boy didn’t secretly wish he could be Peter Pan? Walt Disney had the incredible knack of turning Grimm’s fairytales into beautiful, musical cartoons; uplifting in every sense.

Me and my friends (in my head at age 6)

The problem with Grimm’s fairytales was that they were written over a hundred years ago, when women were expected to cook, clean, and wait around for their princes so that their real lives waiting on their husbands could begin.

Please don’t think I’m a feminist or anything. It’s just the way that all of the Disney princesses had unbearably unhappy lives until a man came along and made everything better. Snow White was the slave of seven men, for God’s sake. Ariel sold her voice so that she could be with Eric: she’d rather be with Eric (in a completely alien environment from the one she grew up in, by the way) than have the ability to voice her own opinions. I’m not going to stop my kids watching these films or anything… I’m just saying.

#1 Smurfs

I loved the Smurfs more than words can say.

The Smurfs was a community of tiny, blue people. They all had adorable white pants and hats, and they all loved to sing about what a happy time they all had together. Papa Smurf was the leader, and Smurfette was the only girl in the group.

A-fricking-dorable

Wait- what was that? The only girl?

But it might not be what we think. Smurfs are magical creatures right. Maybe they live forever- maybe they never need to procreate?

Happy families- the little slut

Nope, that’s definitely a baby. Granted, they only come along “Once in a Blue Moon”, but it must be tiring for Smurfette to be such a filthy whore the whole time. She probably needs a break every so often. So girls- no need for any girlfriends. Just hang around a huge group of men and give them all their offspring. Nice one, NBC.

4 Reasons Why Long Distance Relationships Are Shocking

19 Jan

I just have to say this first of all: I’ve never had a long distance relationship. And I never will. In a million years. Never. You know why? Because they are shocking. I don’t mean shocking like when I found out that condoms are only 96% effective. I mean shocking like the Twilight films- in other words, a train wreck. I understand that sometimes long-distance relationships just kind of happen. Your partner moves away, gets a job somewhere far away and you don’t want to break up. The thing is, within a couple of months, every couple will realise that it sucks. These are 4 reasons why.

#4 Having Arguments

There’s nothing more satisfying than an argument- I would be the first one to admit that. Slamming doors, throwing stuff, maybe the odd fisticuff. The absolute best bit about having an argument with your partner is that you can see something dying inside their eyes when you say something super hurtful.

It's more fun if you replace the pillows with frying pans

In a long distance relationship, the worst thing you can do is hang up really spitefully, or stop the video stream on Skype. It just doesn’t quite pack the same punch.

That doesn’t matter in itself, (if you’re not a violent type like me), but it will affect your relationship in the long run. Not being able to truly vent your anger and have a proper rant means that all your feelings will be pent up inside, waiting to bust out- like a scene from Alien.

#3 Making Up

In a normal relationship, making up is pretty easy if you know what you’re doing. Once you get the person you want to make up with alone in a room, and refuse to let them out until all is well, it’s only a matter of time. A mixture of perseverance, cuteness and indisputable logic of why you’re right is all it takes when you’re there, face to face.

The sweet smile of success

It’s impossible to be this bunny-boiler-y in a long distance relationship. Your cuteness will come off weird, and your perseverance a tad too much like a stalker. Your only contact is through some kind of modern technology; texts are very easy to misconstrue; phone calls are too impersonal, and Skype just makes everyone feel awkward. Basically, it is impossible to make up to a satisfactory level when you’re miles away from one another. The argument will just stew, ready to flare up the next time he forgets to ‘like’ your post on Facebook.

#2 The Butterflies

If it’s a good relationship, these never truly go away. When your man friend holds your hand, touches your hair- all those kinds of mushy things- it makes you just a wee bit happy. I like to think that when I’m old and grey, the sight of my wizened old man walking into a room will still get my (slightly dried up) juices going.

Who needs teeth when you've got true love?

Now, maybe I’m just a romantic, but I don’t find my Blackberry ring tone all that sensual. Even the knowing ‘ping’ when my boyfriend comes online on IM wouldn’t get me going. I know that phone conversations can be lovely. I know that. But for me, it just ain’t enough.

#1 Sheer Effort

Of course, all relationships require effort. If they didn’t, I like to think I wouldn’t be single. But having your partner in close proximity to where you are makes it a hell of a lot easier. Bored? Get him over. Horny? Same solution. You don’t have to travel for hours to go see them, and you don’t have to plan three months in advance to get your next visit in.

He won't notice I haven't seen him for 10 months... right?

The other rubbish thing about this is, because there is so much effort involved in seeing your loved one, there are ridiculous expectations of how your visit will be. One argument will ruin the whole week, where normally it wouldn’t matter at all. One bad sexual experience and you may as well have not come. There is so much pressure on that one window of time that it just can’t live up to the hours you spent on the phone planning every minute.

3 Reasons Why Nice Guys Should Get More Credit (But Never Will)

18 Jan

I am absolutely sick of my friends going out with losers. It drives me mental- especially because 99% of the time she has a man right in front of her face who is kind, sweet, funny and actually cares about her. Ask any girl- they will almost certainly have had an opportunity to get together with one of these great men, but instead have chased after the idiot in the leather jacket. I get annoyed, but I know I am guilty of exactly the same thing. It’s one of life’s great conundrums that is seemingly impossible to break out from. Here are some reasons why nice guys will always, unfairly, finish last.

#3 They don’t pose a challenge

It’s perverse woman 101. Men who are deemed “clingy” or “needy” are just automatically placed in the not-interested category. Even if the only thing they’re doing is texting the girl to make sure they get home safe after a night out, when a man hands themselves to a girl on a plate, it just won’t happen. The only exception to this is if they meet and simultaneously fall in love. In this case, they will be equally clingy and needy with each other within the first fortnight. And that’s just gross; no-one wants to see that.

In the land of common sense, not posing a challenge would be a great thing. Girls are always complaining about how difficult it is to get a boy to show interest in them, right? True, but unfortunately girls are exactly the same as boys in that chasing=failing.

Stop chasing me, seriously

In a dating situation, girls want to feel challenged. They want to feel like they need to bring out their A-game in order to get what they want. It makes for more of a thrill, and it creates more drama- which girls love, by the way.

#2 They share all your interests

If a girl meets a nice boy, and they seem to share all the same interests as you, this is a good indication that you may well be compatible. At least, that’s the way it would be in common sense land. However, as no girls have ever, in the history of the world, taken up permanent residence there, we can safely assume that this will not be their first thought when this happens. Instead, they will think one of two thoughts.

1. Aww we have so much in common! We should be great friends and never, EVER ruin that with the potential of a relationship.

2. Hmm, we have so much in common… he must be lying to try to get in my pants.

Either way, it’s not good news. What would work way better is if they shared one, minor interest for the girl to obsess over. Or actually, if they had no interests in common at all. That would pretty much guarantee that the girl would stay up all night on Wikipedia cramming as much information about the subject as possible down her throat in order to impress the guy next time they see each other.

This girl is studying for her “Arsenal FC” exams… I mean her second date.

#1 They are perfect

This is number one mostly because it is the most ridiculous. The thing is, girls like to be right. In fact, they love to be right. They also love to think that their influence can improve things, especially a man. It’s an over-used cliché in films, but it is sadly a little bit true that a flawed soul makes for an intriguing and irresistible character. If a girl can see potential in a man and then be right about that potential, all of her aspirations about men and love in general are fulfilled. It’s like being in a Katherine Heigl film… but in real life.

An hour and a half is all Katherine needs to turn an unemployed druggie into the perfect father

Of course, it never works that way. Idiots will continue to be idiots, no matter how incredible the girl’s influence is.Man sluts will continue to be man sluts, and slobs will continue to be slobs. Unfortunately, the underlying psyche of girls is impossible to change. Perfect guys are just not interesting enough for many girls.

5 Things Girls Hate (That We Pretend To Love)

18 Jan

Girls put up with a lot. We have to give birth, we have to learn to put on make-up and we have to wear bras. It’s all a complete bummer and, frankly, we’d rather not. But even worse than all these things is the stuff we feel like we should love, but just can’t. We try, oh how we try, to enjoy when you make “that’s what she said” jokes in front of our parents to make them laugh. We really try to like when you call us drunk to tell us that you “luuuuurrve” us, but I’m here to tell you boys- it ain’t happening. After extensive market research, this is the list of the top 5 offenders.

#5 Banter between men

Every girl loves to have guy friends. And unless you went to a nun school and are a bit weird, men don’t usually mind having a few girl pals around to give them advice about other, hotter girls.

What really confuses girls when hanging out with boys is their inexplicable way of communicating with one another.  As far as I can tell, it mostly revolves around insulting each other or each other’s mothers.  Here is excerpt from an actual man-to-man conversation:

Guy 1: What you doing later?

Guy 2: I thought I might rim your mum

Guy 1: Let me know how she tastes?

 Guy 2: … Probably like your dad!

And so on.

Now, it may just be me. But it seems to me that this conversation is both inappropriate and actually, if you read really carefully, a little bit incestuous and possibly homoerotic. The worst thing about it is that it was held in broad daylight in front of their girl friends, and the girls there all laughed. For reasons unknown to me, it is socially acceptable for guys to hold these sorts of conversations with each other in front of others. Maybe it’s because all men have a deep subconscious longing to kill their fathers and have sex with their mothers… But it’s probably because guys are, in general, just horrible creatures.  And girls pretend to love it.

#4 Sport

It’s a well-known fact- men love girls who love sport.  Another well-known fact is that girls will do pretty much anything to make guys they like think they have interests in common, and for a lot of girls this means they will be forced to sit through hours of sport commentary and games with fixed smiles on their faces.

This girl's getting lucky tonight

The annoying thing about this is that it hardly ever works the other way around. I love musicals, but I’m not going to subject any man to a six-hour Rodgers and Hammerstein marathon. I just wouldn’t do it. And if I did, I would understand completely if he ripped out his eyes and stuffed them into his ears- because we can’t all like the same things. The unique selling point of sport is that it has somehow become something really attractive for girls to be into, because it means that guys have to spend less and less time actively doing lovely things for their girlfriends, and can just do the stuff they would do anyway whilst pleasing them at the same time. The only upside is that we look pretty good in your oversized jerseys.

#3 When men “help” you

Let’s not beat around the bush. 99% of the time, girls want to appear perfect for men. This is why the make-up and push-up bra industries have been so successful. It is also why “helping” a girl by pointing out that there is something wrong with their appearance will get you zero brownie points. Just to clarify here, I’m not talking about big, permanent things that no right-minded male would say anyway. Telling your girlfriend her bum looks big will earn you a slap round the face, and possibly a quick jab to the ribs.

The “help” I’m talking about are the smaller, more embarrassing things that men always like to point out to girls. Very often we then have to smile and sometimes even thank them for their assistance in our food-in-teeth, spill-down-blouse or gunk-in-eye crises.

You didn't... notice... a thing

Men are under the impression that it is actually quite cute to squint into a girl’s face, point vaguely at her mouth and mumble, “you got some shit juuust there”. If there has ever been a reaction to this that has not been- cover mouth with hands, turn a deep shade of scarlet and rummage in bag for mirror- then I want to know about it. Girls are sensitive creatures, and would probably prefer the shame of looking in the mirror after the date and realizing their hideous error, than actually having it pointed out during the date itself. Unfortunately, social convention requires that, if such a situation arises, the girl must thank the man, and then both parties must try to make a joke- usually something about saving that bit for later.

#2 When your relationship gets comfortable

 Imagine the scene- your boyfriend has promised you a great night in. You’ve shaved your legs, conditioned your hair, lit some candles and put on your non-holey knickers, ready for an evening of romance.  The doorbell rings, and you race to open it when… the grimy scent of take-away pizza and unwashed body wafts into the room. Dressed in sweats and with a beer already open in one hand, the man of your dreams throws himself onto the sofa, declares himself “starved” and starts to munch on the pizza, while you shiver at the door, in the bitter realisation that your relationship has become comfortable.

This is what we imagine our futures to be in 40 years

Now, the problem here isn’t the flagrant disregard to social etiquette regarding flatulence and picking your nose in front of us in itself (although that is pretty gross too). The problem is that when men feel this comfortable in front of girls, it is supposed to be a good thing. It is supposed to mean that you have reached the point in your relationship when you can be totally honest and be completely yourself around the other person. Unfortunately, girls get to know men in the first couple of months of their relationships, when the guys are still frantically holding in farts and keeping their opinion about their partner’s high-pitched laugh to themselves. And guess what? They were the men the girls liked. Pretending anything else is just wrong.

#1 Meeting our parents

 It’s probably the most terrifying landmark in any relationship. For me, watching “Meet The Parents” and all its Ben Stiller-y averageness, was less a comedy, and more a shocking exposé of a phenomenon just that bit too close to the truth. It is any girl’s worst nightmare that their boyfriend will do something embarrassing, but not altogether out of character, that will forever tarnish their parents’ opinions of him when they first meet. Examples could include: making inappropriate jokes; being inappropriately touchy-feely in front of them, and getting in inexplicable huffs. To compensate, they will giggle hysterically at any jokes their boyfriend makes (to make him seem funnier), shovel down their food (to make him seem better-mannered) and ask him leading questions (to make him seem more successful and/or driven).

Your handshake is pretty firm there sir.. Sir.... Sir??

In every film I’ve ever watched where this scenario comes up, it is always the man who is more worried about meeting his girlfriend’s parents. Why? Sure, it will be a bit awkward every time you meet them in the future, but I think it is just as nerve-wracking for the girl. If a girl pretends to be enthusiastic about a man meeting her parents, she’s lying. I can’t really work out why they lie, but that’s the truth.