6 Things You Should Know About Me Before You Read This Blog

18 Jan

Instead of writing an auto-biographical spiel that no-one, including me, really cares about, I thought a short introduction into my writing style and world views would be more fun- right? After reading this, hopefully you will be more sure that you want to read what I have to say, or be so bored/offended that you delete this site from your history, and never let it darken your browser again. Either way, here it is: 6 things you should know about me before you read this blog.

#6 I’m a girl

I don’t say this so that anyone gives me special treatment or buys me stuff or sends me love letters… that would be awful. I say it because my thoughts are obviously all from a girl’s point of view and, sometimes, girls seem to talk in a completely different language from boys. I’m not saying that men won’t find it interesting. In fact, perhaps it will be a good insight into the brain of a typical (ish) 21 year old woman- and what man doesn’t want that?

#5 I’m a student

It has recently come to my attention that there is a world outside the confines of Nottingham University. As much as this upsets me, it has also made me realise that a lot of my opinions have come from an environment where it is totally acceptable to draw penises on sleeping people, drink vodka until you pass out in a pool of your own vomit, and leave essays until 4 hours before the deadline. This is normal, and actually celebrated, behaviour. I don’t mind this, but it does sometimes scare me that this is the place I have done my real growing up, and have officially become “a woman”. As a result of these circumstances, my view on the world may not be altogether fair, or even right. I am working on this; please bear with me.

Completely normal behaviour...

#4 I’m a Politics student

After reading the above section, this probably doesn’t mean that much to you. Aren’t we all the same: basically loutish, drunk, council tax-evading scum? But let me make it perfectly clear. This is important- some students are just better than others. Maths and Physics students are usually hard-working but not too good on the ol’ social interaction. Sports Science, Philosophy or Sociology students are typical uni-types, who applied for university simply to stay out of work for another three years. Find me a Sociology student who chose to do Sociology because it would get them into the career they wanted, and I’ll show you the leprechaun I keep under my stairs for when I’m low on gold.

Anyway, my point is that Politics students are a species of their own. They’re not too geeky- otherwise they would have done something a bit harder like Chemistry. They’re not too career-driven- otherwise they would have done something actually useful like Law or Medicine. They’re not too lazy either- most of the time they are genuinely interested in learning about how our society functions. This, in theory, means that I should have something interesting to say about the world. I hope this is true.

#3 Sarcasm is my only form of wit

I realise this doesn’t bode well. But come on guys, sarcasm can be fun! I’ve never been one of those people who could make a group of people laugh with my witty one-liners or hilarious anecdotes. That was always my brother, and I’m kind of glad. I can almost sense the pressure building on him whenever he enters a room of people, knowing that they expect to be rolling around in the next thirty seconds. What I  lack in actual humour (I hope) I make up for in pure, unadulterated sarcasm and low-level observational truisms. If that’s not good enough for you, this isn’t the place for you to spend your precious non-masturbation internet time.

#2 I’m a serial dater

Now, I don’t think this is necessarily a bad thing. Sure, I pretty much hate every single man in the world. But I think I also understand where I’m going wrong with dating, and this makes me quite good at giving advice to other girls. I have also had a couple of legitimate relationships, so maybe I am the Ultimate Agony Aunt. I don’t know, maybe, let’s try it out as a nickname first.

This girl isn't quite in my demographic for recipients of my advice

I really hate those articles which try to tell you what to do to make a man like you. They always say things like: mirror their gestures, smile a lot, touch their arm (or is it their leg?), and other psychological nonsense. When you ask a man, they will always stare blankly and not know what you’re on about. My suggestions will be a lot more practical, and I also promise to do some research in the field before I publish it as legitimate dating advice.

#1 I have a lot of pet hates

This is number one because I feel like these will probably make up 80% of this blog. There are a lot of things which really bug me about the world. Some are normal, like people who are hypochondriacs. Some are political, like how Prime Minister’s Questions has become a farce and a theatre. And some, I admit, are a little bit mental, like my intense hatred of bad grammar and spelling. You know what, that is the worst one- I don’t care how it makes me sound.

This sign makes me violent

If this was written in an English essay in a French school, the pupil would get a D. Maybe a C at best. I can’t understand why it’s so difficult. If people can’t be bothered to write in proper sentences, then I can’t be bothered to miss when I throw a hammer at your head.

OK, rant over. All you need to know is that there are a lot of things which annoy me, and there is no better way than to express these feelings than in a blog-type scenario. It’s just a warning, y’know.

And also, never miss out vowels when you write something to me.